she was, an american girl

tom petty sings to my soul; i could listen to him for hours and hours and let my mind let everything out.
this past week has been really tough for me for some reason that i can't exactly explain. for one, there is school (which is always there; and merely adds unwanted stress into your life); but it's also everything else. i am so excited to finally grow up and leave, but in reality once i graduate from high school i am on my own, forever. i like to think that i am independent but i am a teenager who depends on her family. i can't imagine having to take that over. you know, doing my own taxes, living on my own (after college), and all that other stuff.
i've been thinking a lot about jacob and how life really sucks. i sound like a fucking hypocrite, i know, because i am a relatively spoiled person. in the sense that i have a roof over my head, parents who love me (even though they hate each other; how they ever thought their marriage would last i don't know), food, money, electricity, running water. but really, everyone has their problems and i feel that even though many of us who have all these luxuries, can still think life sucks sometimes. it feels even wierder because jacob was more real than a lot of the younger generations within my family. like my sister kills me, she really does. she came home from college the other day, and i am 100% floored by her. she just seems so fake and isn't really aware of other people. her presence once again in my life (at least for the summer) will be fun but, i enjoy being alone, and being with my mom without my sister around.
thirdly, when parents dump their problems on you, and let you know everything. i suck at consoling people and i never know what to say to my mom when she tells me things or cries. i feel completely useless.

however; i think it was a funk and most of these things are always there, they are just elevated right now.

i have decided that while yes, 8th graders are annoying and stupid; i remember being one and always wanting to do fun things. so that is our new mission. random things, rather than staying home and watching gilmore girls or veronica mars. bon fires, spray painting, thunderstorms. i am just afraid of forgetting this time right now and the people that i like.

focus week is next week which should be fun (it would be nice to be going to costa rica or italy, but seeing as i went to london last year and loved it, i will deal); film festival here i come.

i wish i could look like this when i graduate: